a girl called spokes
speak easyArchive for health
think about it.
happy day of turkey. such an awesome one to come home to. rose early in my beddy, had a relaxing breakfast, then headed out to trinidad pier for the blessing of the fleet- apparently a tradition i had never heard of where people gather to bless the crab fishermen of the upcoming season. it was such a sweet ceremony, had a lot of soul with only one focus, nothing underlaying or subconsciously hidden underneath. we blessed and thanked the sea and the men who braved it, smelled burning herbs as a native american man did a ceremonial prayer, and listened to acoustic guitar music from a dispatch-eque guy. such a wholesome and selfless collection of positive people on a positive morning in my favorite place on earth- home. so grateful for everything i am provided with and lucky enough to be apart of. reconnecting with old friends for this weekend feels pressure-less and comfortable, no weird stresses of last thanksgiving. i feel so free and thankful. how cliche, but who’s to judge? i made an amazing pie, and every portion of the feast was perfect. mmm. didn’t overstuff and only am a pound heavier than this morning. stoked for an early morning bike ride tomorrow and a funk-tastic party at matt’s tomorrow eve. i miss sam, but i know he’s having a great time, as are my other eugenian and humboltonian friends.
currently sitting by the woodstove, in my favorite spot. penny sleeping at my feet, a unfinished puzzle on the floor, mom reading the eye on her chair and dad doing some work on his laptop in his. this is where i want to be and this is what i must cherish. damn. lucky.
start.
so last night, after eating a third of a dumpstered trader joe’s pecan pie leaving me in a sickly state in my room, i decided to tell sam about this problem. it felt so dramatic and unnecessary, it’s just a frusterating battle to me. even though this doesn’t sound too reassuring, i feel like a clean slate, like i can start anew before it’s too late. i am so far from having to ‘emotionally eat’, my life is so SO GOOD. so it’s ridiculous and something i should not even both about. that’s that.
we went to spencer’s butte this morning and it was beautiful! right when we got to the top, the clouds blew away reveling all the open farmlands of fall. oh hoorah! sushi night soon. wheeee.
molly’s playing cat powers in her room. her music is not very diverse. i feel sad about johnathon, i feel like molly is in the same place sam was at when i was at my lowest. she’s gotta know it’s not her problem to solve, just to aide in finding the solution.
shape up!
i am only writing this to prove to myself that i need to change.
- 3 pieces of dried fruit stolen from m.o.c.
- 3 small pieces of panda express (ewwww) chicken
- vegan chocolate peanut butter thing from drug rep.
- a bit o hummus and pita chips
- bites of chicken leg
i disgust myself. only coffee and carrots for dinner.
healthy and happy.
in the gym after yoga today i was talking to lindsey as she dressed for her daily swim. i always think of lindsey as the frailest, smallest girl i know, nibbling on raw grains or a veggie smoothie. although she is constantly in motion, she always looks easily breakable, i suppose. so when a girl put down her bags at a locker nearby and started to change who looked tiny next to little lindsey, i was shocked. although i look at the proanorexia site often, i guess it’s been a while since i have actually seen an anorexic girl in real life. terrifying. i couldn’t help but stare, and i never gawk at anyone. she layer on leggings and long socks to warm her bone-thick legs, and her spine stood out like the inside of a turtle’s shell. her locker was filled with workout materials- running shoes, water bottles, clothing, etc., yet her body looked in no shape to even walk out the door. my whole perception on anorexia has been skewed, this is no game, but a disease. as i caught my healthy reflection in the locker room mirror, i felt beautiful, and happily walked home to a delicious filling lunch (warm bean chili, thanks katie).
thanks amy.
for so much chocolate! hooraaaaaay there goes my afternoon. hah. all she talks about is food, not too helpful on my part for this recovery process. or do you think it’s just my mind picking out all the food related items and amplifying them? nah, it’s really all she talk about. it sounds so cruel, but i secretly love telling her the little amount of food i’ve eaten, just to see her reaction. i’m getting over all of this though, which is good. so good. all binges are = bad news.
thoughts on birth control.
pros:
cleared up acne!
no babies!
no condoms!
no terrible side-effects!
cons:
weird substance in my body, unnatural
hard to remember to take
unsure:
my boobs were already imbalanced to start with, now the larger one is larger. i wouldn’t mind if they both grew, but this is odd. plus, i dig my small chest.
ideas:
when i go back for xmas, switch back to yaz. didn’t seem to have above problem while on it
besides that, hooray for birth control!
